Friday, March 09, 2007

Ladillas (en ingles)

Companeros, chiquillos y chiquillas (jijos, no den pamba) el Lic. Satanas ha decidido empezar a hacer ladillas en ingles tambien. Aqui esta el primer escrito y que chido que ya proporcionaron un resto de links donde lo puedo mandar. El objetivo de esta accion del Frente Blogueriano Cara de Trapo Renegado Revolucionario Feo Fuerte y Formal es joder la imagen del espurio en el extranjero. A raiz de un post que conteste en un blog gringo (Huffington) me percate de lo vulnerable que es el gobierno del enano en el extranjero: de inmediato salieron dos fascificos del CISEN a defender a su enano. Y tiene logica. En el extranjero no funcionan sus spots.


An informational column for foreigners on what is happening in Mexico

by Lic. Mefistofeles Satanas

El Busho's Latin American Trip

• President Bush is about to embark in a “good-will” tour of Latin America. This is in fact an attempt to rally the scattered anti-Chavez groups in the area. These consist mostly of the plutocracies and some of the most extreme right-wing (i.e. Nazi) groups, in other words, tiny minorities. Bush is more likely to collect many a “chinga a tu madre” and very, very little good-will if he meets with real people.

• President Bush aims to stimulate economic growth and democracy in Latin America. The last time an American president used that language regarding Latin America was under Jack Kennedy. The result was the so-called Alliance for Progress. Its purpose was “to stimulate economic growth and democracy in Latin America”. Voila! Now old Dubya can be “Kennedyesque”!

• The results of the Alliance for Progress were, to be generous, mixed. The Latin American economies hardly grew. Most of the funds ended up either paying back debts owed to American banks or went to fund the fauna of US-backed military dictators that (mis)ruled the region in the seventies and eighties.

• The last of these military tyrants just died (unmourned except for a Nazi fringe whom Bush is likely to visit): Augusto Pinochet of Chile. It was he that in 1973 deposed the democratically elected president of Chile, Salvador Allende, with the logistical aid and coordination by no other than Ollie North working from the US embassy’s basement. The coup’s date, by the way, was September 11, 1973. So it is not the first time that Ollie North has been involved in a 9/11 terrorist strike against a democracy.

• In Mexico, President Bush will meet with the newly-elected president, Felipe Calderon. Old Felipe suffers from having an unfortunate acronym by which millions of Mexicans know him: FElipe CALderon or FECAL.

• FECAL is a man after Dubya’s own heart. To start, he stole his election fair and square. The difference between FECAL and his leftist rival, Andres Manuel Lopez Obrador, AMLO, was only 233,000 votes out of a total of 42 million cast.

• The leftists demanded a full recount, just as was done in Germany, Italy, and Costa Rica (and in a shoddy manner in Florida) when such close results were detected. The electoral court allowed for only a partial recount, 9% of all ballot boxes. The evidence from that 9% was overwhelming. FECAL steadily lost votes, AMLO steadily won them. Had there been a full recount, AMLO would have won by a million votes at least.

• The Mexican electoral court, in the end, decided that though former president Fox had steadily and consistently broken the electoral laws in supporting FECAL (both belong to the Partido Accion Nazi-onal), though there were serious doubts as to the fairness of the elections, though it was evident that ballot stuffing and dirty tactics were used to excess, though the Mexican constitution’s requirements that the elections be certifiably clean were blatantly not met, no, it was not enough to declare the election invalid. (God forbid the leftist were to win!) Calderon remained the winner. And yes, there was a fat retirement bonus awaiting the judges afterwards.

• There are other similitudes. Like Dubya, FECAL is not very academically inclined. Supposedly he spent two semesters in Harvard. Yet his English is, being generous again, poor. Heck, any illegal that goes back to Mexico speaks better English! So pundits in Mexico ask: just what did FECAL do on those two semesters he supposedly spent at Harvard? Drink?

• Very likely, for, you see, FECAL has a serious drinking problem. El presidente has to make his decisions in the morning, before lunch, perhaps after being given some lines of cocaine to make him functional after the prior day’s drinking binge. Forget about him after noontime, is the standard advise of his aides. He starts drinking at lunchtime and is pretty much skunk-faced by sunset. President Bush at least is a recovering alcoholic. FECAL can’t even find his way to the wagon.

• This is then the man next to whom President Bush will stand proudly come next week. Bush is sure to praise FECAL for his drug war exploits. You see, FECAL, to legitimate himself in the eyes of the Mexican people, has undertaken what are known as operativos or anti-drug operations.

• These operativos are pretty much a fiasco. In effect, the government deploys several thousand army troops to eradicate a cartel’s operations in a certain state. In Baja California they recently dropped into Tijuana. Now, that’s one hell of a party town!

• The soldiers arrived in style: in a chopper fleet playing Das Walkure like in Apocalyse Now and a ground column equipped to take on the Afrika Korpz. Poor Tijuana! It never had a chance. The soldiers put hundreds of checkpoints causing interminable traffic jams. They arrested hundreds without a warrant. They broke into homes conducting unwarranted searches. (The wehrmacht would have been proud.) They even disarmed and furloughed the –admittedly corrupt—local police. Burglaries and muggings went sky high as a result. After all, the unemployed policemen had to make a living, even if it meant becoming burglars themselves.

• But of course not a single major cartel boss was netted in Tijuana. Why? Very easy, for days it had been in national TV that “the army will arrive to Tijuana on so and so date”. Hello? This is like Sargent Garcia telling don Diego: “We will drop by your hacienda next Friday to look for any Zorro outfits.” At least Sargent Garcia and his boys had a good time. There were several shootouts and brawls caused by drunken soldiers in the Tijuana brothels.

• And it has been like that in all the other operativos FECAL and his Sergeant Garcias have undertaken in other states throughout Mexico. The end result is that the drug lords get a pretty good warning of when to take their vacations in Tahiti, which is supposedly lovely this time of the year.

• At the most, mobilizing a quarter of the Mexican Army, 50,000 men, to go from state to state has hardly affected the cartels. After all that time and money spent, the soldiers have only captured a few bales and some nickel dimes of speed. No major drug lords have been arrested, just some low-level peons. Heck, that many drugs are not enough to keep a decent frat house weekend party going.

• And let us not fool ourselves. If FECAL really wanted to hurt the cartels all he had to do would be to unleash an army of auditors in the branches of the major U.S. banks in Mexico. We are talking about Citibank, Bank of America, Chase, etc. Do you think they are there to lend Lupita money to buy a beaten up Chevrolet? No! They are there to launder drug money! And that they do with a vengeance.

• That the Bush family is a major stockholder in Texas Commerce Bank, another one of the list, is not, of course, a reason why FECAL won’t touch these banks. If you believe that, I have a brothel in Tijuana I want to sell to you. The walls have some bullet holes but that can be fixed.

• There have been, however, many sad incidents that come from using troops in the role of policemen. It is evident that the soldiers do not have the training nor are in the mood to respect the human rights of their fellow citizens. The warrants less arrests and break-ins have been myriad. And before you ask, yes, Mexico does have the equivalent of the American pose comitatus laws.

• In the Zongolica Mountains of Veracruz a group of soldiers recently raped and killed a 73 year old woman. She died from internal injuries: a broken pelvis, a torn uterus and anus. Her last words: “se me echarón encima los soldados” – “the soldiers ganged up on me”. The beasts in question, they do not deserve to be called human, are believed to be about eleven altogether from the battalion in nearby Orizaba. And they are likely to go free after suitable “exhaustive investigations”. The poor woman was caught in the middle of one of FECAL’s “operativos”.

• And if you wonder, FECAL has already ordered that the grieving relatives be thrown money at or, if need be, civilians or the leftists must be accused and incriminated, get it? Basically, FECAL remains in power as long as the army supports him (the people of Mexico would have already lynched him). Therefore, he is going to do whatever it takes to keep the army’s reputation unsoiled and the generals happy.

• So Calderon, if anything, is going to return Mexico to old fashioned values and past mores and mindsets. We are talking of the Mexico described around the turn of the century in Turner’s “Barbarous Mexico”. Of course the regime Turner describes –that of dictator Porfirio Diaz—came crashing down a few years later and set off a bloodbath that resulted in a million dead over a ten year period.

• And how does this affect you, the comfortable, Starbucks sipping, SUV driving, metrosexual, comfortably affluent, child of the American republic? Let’s assume that you are not a caring, decent, human being (most likely you are) but one that normally does not give a hoot –nor could find in a world map—about Mexico or whether 73 year old grandmothers deserve to die in such a horrid manner as described above.

• For one, you are likely to see a higher influx of illegal aliens as Calderon’s house of cards economy collapses in the near future. So, if you are of the group that bitches about the day workers in front of the Home Depot be ready for many times more of them.

• Second, Mexico –and, ha, ha, Venezuela—are the major suppliers of oil for the American economy. With Mexico becoming an ever more likely powder keg because of Calderon’s stupidity, the flow of Mexican oil is likely to go dry anytime. We are talking $5 a gallon gas folks. So you make sure no one pisses off Chavez too because then it goes to $10 a gallon.

• Third, there are about a million gringos living in Mexico, usually retirees. Hope to God the powder keg does not go off because they are highly visible and not very mobile. A lot of them, I am sure, are 73 year old grandmothers.

• Fourth, if you think the National Guard and the Army are now overstretched trying to pacify Irak, just wait until you have to really guard the border and/or send them off to support Calderon’s granny-raping Sargent Garcias against an insurrection of the very pissed-off Mexican people. The only good thing: the distance from Campeche to Houston ain’t that much by air. The body of your loved one coming back in a body bag will not be as gamy as one that comes all the way from Irak.

This all is, admittedly, a very biased anti-FECAL viewpoint. However, you will not get any of these viewpoints in the US or Mexican media, certainly not in any Mexican government website. If you seek more info on the Mexican Resistance Movement, try these links:

and many, many more.

Ladillas: Las Autopistas


por el Lic. Mefistofeles Satanas

“¡Don Menfis! ¡Don Menfis!”

Cuando llego en las mañanas a mi oficina aqui en el infierno y veo a mi secretaria doña Cholita toda alborotada ya se que hubo un desmadre. Y esta era una de esas mañanas.

“¿Pos y ahora que? ¿Que tanto alboroto?”

“Ni entre don Menfis, hay unos auditores de hacienda esperandolo en su oficina. Quesque quieren ver todas los libros. Yo les dije que no les daba nada hasta que usted llegara. Se metieron sin pedir permiso. Son bien barbajanes.”

Afortunadamente tengo todos mis expedients bajo llave y mi computadora tiene password. En efecto, ya habian dos hideputas sentados en mi escritorio tratando de entrar a mis archivos.

“Se me van saliendo cabrones. Yo no se a que chingaos los mandó la tonina si sabe bien que tengo un amparo desde tiempos de Portes Gil. ¡Saquense!”

“Nos mal entiende licenciado,” dijo el mas viejon de ellos. “Don Agustin nomas queria ver si podiamos darle un susto pero en realidad quiere hacerle una propuesta.”

“¿Y pa eso mando a dos tristes gueyes? ¿Por que no me llamó por telefono o vino aqui?”

“Es que no queria que Slim se enterara licenciado,” dijo un mocoso pirrurris que trataba –sin exito, yo inventé Java—de hackear mi PC. “Ya vide oste que tiene todas las lineas monitoreadas.”

“O mas bien lo subcontrató a unos gringos” dijo el mas viejon.

“¿Y el pinche gordo no podia venir entonces a verme?” El averno tiene tres entradas. La tradicional está en Italia, es la que Dante utilize. Tambien hay una en Guanajuato, afuerita de Dolores, y otra en Nuevo Leon, en San Pedro. Esta ultima la inaugure hace poquito a petición de los carteles pues querian que las almas de los muertos que hacen a cada rato ahi bajaran mas rapido.

“Apenas si se puede mover,” me explicó el viejon. “El caso es que quiere que oste le entre a la licitación de las carreteras. Para taparle el ojo al macho, oste sabe. Es que los renegados ya andan apuntando que los mismos que las quebraron son los que van a volver a quedarse con ellas. Oste hace la faramalla como que puja pero al final se quedara con ellas Fox y Salinas a traves de un fideicomiso. Ansina le pueden decir a la gente que no, no fueron los mesmos, pero es puro show.
Es que no quiere la tonina que el puto de Slim de plano se quede con todo. Ya esta apuntado para apropiarse de Pemex el cabron."

“¿Ansina es la cosa? ¿Y bien, que chingaos es mi tajada? Como dicen los gringos, ‘what’s in it for me?’.”

“El jefe está dispuesto a proporcionarle el diez por ciento de la hacienda de los difuntos que sean condenados aqui,” explicó el chavito pirrurris. “¡Imaginese cuando se muera el pelon Salinas y le toque esa feriezota!”

En efecto, el diez por ciento de lo que tenga el pelon seria una tajadota pero no nomas iba a aceptar la primera oferta. “Cincuenta por ciento o no hay trato.”


Al final nos quedamos en 35 que me parecio bien. Ya que se fueron esos cabrones decidí que necesitaba asesoria.

“Doña Cholita, busqueme a don Chalmar.”

No tardo en presentarse el tal don Chalmar. En realidad se llama Hjalmar Schacht y es ahora mi contador. La raza aqui le dice don Chalmar. En vida fue el ministro de hacienda de Hitler.

“¡Zu befehl mein fuhrer!” dijo don Chalmar cuando se presento. No pudo dar el taconazo por que a) nunca uso botas federicas en vida, siempre anduvo de civil y b) estaba encuerado como todas las almas que tengo aqui.

“Tranquilo, que no es de esos programas de Vic Morrow donde matan a 10,000 alemanes sin despeinarse.”

“¡Ach! ¡Odio esas chingaderas!”

“Digame, don Chalmar, ¿que piensa usted de privatizar las autopistas?”

“¿Das autobahnen?”

“Si, especificamente, las de México.”

“¿Tienen autopistas ahi?”

“Pos hacen su luchita. Con decirle que la que llaman Autopista al Sol es tan cara que con lo que se pago por ella se harian todos los autobahns de Alemania.”

“Gott im Himmel! ¡Pues ha de estar muy bien hecha!”

“¡Si como no! Unos pinches baches que parecen crateres de la luna. Pero, en fin, ¿que piensa de privatizarlas?”

“Pero, mein fuhrer, ¿quien seria tan bruto de hacer eso? Perdoneme usted, mein fuhrer, ojala que no sea usted el de la idea ¿o si?”

“No se preocupe, don Chalmar, hableme con toda confianza. Pero, ¿porque le parece a usted estupida la idea?”

“Vera usted, el fuhrer, ¿porque no lo manda llamar para que explique él?”

“¡Que mas quisiera! Pero desde que Pio XII lo canonizó en secreto despues de la guerra vinieron un par de arcangeles a llevarselo al cielo.”

“¡Con razon no lo he visto aqui!”

“Si, tan solo tengo al hideputa de Pio XII. Parece que la ODESSA le solto dinero al vaticano. Pero, en fin, cuenteme de su fuhrer y las autopistas.”

“Ach, lejos de privatizarlas, el fuhrer las planeo con visión estrategica y social. Por lo que toca a lo primero, fueron diseñadas para poder mover al ejercito a las fronteras con rapidez.”

“Bien, en Mexico servirian para mandar mojados mas rapido a la frontera. ¿Pero que de lo social?”

“Ach, en mis tiempos, vera usted, consideramos a Herr Hitler como el aleman mas chingon despues de Bismarck. Y Bismarck fue el que introdujo la semana de cuarenta horas, el derecho a formar sindicatos, el seguro medico gratuito para los trabajadores, etc.”

“Ah, ya caigo, Bismarck ha de haber sido un rojillo populista.”

“Nein! Era todo un zorro. Sabia que habia que mantener contento a la clase trabajadora para que hubiera paz social y progreso. Por lo que toca a Herr Hitler, queria crear trabajos haciendo obras publicas.”

“¿Pues no que la iniciativa privada es la que crea los trabajos?”

“Nein! A Thyssen y a Krupp les importaria verga crear trabajos. Podian vivir de los reditos de su dinero. Pero Herr Hitler decidio que no iba a poder domar a los trabajadores a menos que creara empleos. De ahi la construccion de las autopistas y luego el Volkswagen.”

“¿Que tiene que ver el vocho en todo esto?”

“Herr Hitler decidio que el trabajador tendria que sentirse orgulloso de la infraestructura de su pais ¿y que mejor si tenia su propio auto para usar las nuevas autopistas? Le ordenó al Dr. Ferdinand Porsche que diseñara un auto baraton para las masas. De ahi nacio el vocho como usted le llama. Como ve usted, las autopistas tenian fines tanto estrategicos como sociales. Siempre lo he afirmado: mein fuhrer era un hideputa pero sabia darle atole con el dedo a los trabajadores.”

“Estoy de acuerdo que era un hideputa. Queria a los trabajadores cebaditos !para luego usarlos de carne de cañon!”

“Ach, cierto.”

“¿Y usted le recomendaria al gobierno mexicano entonces que las privatize?”

“Ach, solo si son muy pendejos. Los capitalistas las van a volver articulo de lujo y nadie las va a usar. Aparte de que en un par de años las van a volver a tener que rescatar y le aseguro que los capitalistas lo primero que van a recortar va a ser el mantenimiento. Si ahorita estan de la chingada imaginense como quedaran cuando el gobierno las vuelva a retomar. Ademas de que solo van a atizar el resentimiento social. No, solo que fuera muy pendejo el gobierno mexicano haria eso en mi opinion.”

“Ah, pos cuente entonces con que asi sera. Si los conozco.”

Ya que se retiró don Chalmar llamé a Cholita: “Doña Cholita, consigame las formas para la licitación de las carreteras mexicanas.”

“¿Le va a entrar licenciado?”

“Si y no. Es de puro show.”